a PLAN and a PAIR

From a mother who knows exactly how hard it is, posted overnight to a mother in the trenches who had signed off with exhaustion:

"Jerzy, when you wake up this morning, look what you find here:

(and believe me, you are the first person who's been allowed to even LOOK upon these beauties, let alone get them for their very own)...

I'm loaning you my "pair".Here they are, freshly released from the bulletproof stainless steel, velvet-lined holster ChickenOnASkateboard gave me. They have great power...use them wisely.I'm loaning them to you because you need to stand up to ED in a really meaningful way and it takes a mighty powerful "pair" to do that.

First use them to get yourself a decent team. Sit down with h, x-h, Nanette, d's bf and face facts. You guys are the team captains. Want her to recover? You need to quit spinning your wheels with these slow-motion professionals. Make a plan you can all agree with, and then find the profs who will fit YOUR plan, not the other way around.While you're making plans, divide the labor. Farm out some of that laundry, the care of little s and consider refeeding a full-time job...which it is. Take turns.

Find an MD who can understand what you have decided...interview the doc BEFORE you take your d in and make sure he/she agrees with what YOU--the captains of the team--are doing. You're going to take control of feeding away from your d and you want her to gain 1-2 lbs per week. You expect open communication of all medical issues, including weight. (Give them a peek at this mighty pair if they balk.)

Talk to the n. You liked her, right? Tell her you'll be in the office with your d from now on, not out in the car crying. No more meager increases in calories. Is your d really in danger of refeeding syndrome at this point? What is the point of this poky refeeding? Are you having fun?!! Get her calories up in the 3000-3500 range...not in a matter of months, but quickly. Our ED hospital goes up 200 cal/day. PER DAY! RELENTLESSLY! How can the n help you with this? If she can't...well, do you really need a n?

Make sure the t is also on your page. I think this is the hardest person on the team to find. And yet, I also think it's okay to start refeeding without a t if you need more time to find the right one. A t may not be able to do much good till your d is closer to w/r anyway...you know how irrational she is right now, and how a little bad therapy can go a long way.And lastly, use the power of the pair for yourself.

I get the feeling from your posts that you take your family's happiness as your personal responsibility. (I'm guilty of that too...aren't all moms?) But it isn't. It's not your job to make your d happy or keep her from getting upset at this interruption to her ED. It IS your job to get her through this...she'll be able to come back to you when she's well--and truly happy.

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know or haven't already heard. But you sound so overwhelmed. I know that feeling. The cure for it is a PLAN and a PAIR. You need the plan so you can feel confident that you are all on the same page and heading in the right direction: forward. You need the pair so you can MAKE IT HAPPEN.I'm sorry if I've been too blunt. But my heart aches when I see how much you love your d, how slowly her profs are moving her forward and how personally you take the abuse from her ED. It's so hard not to. I want you to get your girl back...and kick ED to the curb.

Just be careful with that pair, okay?


  1. Ooo..thanks for posting my post, Laura! I feel famous!

  2. You can be famous if you like - I'm shooting for INFAMOUS!!

  3. Wow, it sounds terrifying. O_O


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