Jennifer beats anorexia to become an A* student

"Jennifer beats anorexia to become an A* student "to the delight of her family"

You know what? It's terrible, but I find myself doubting that. Or at least I can't relate to it. I used to be like most parents, kvelling over my kid's accomplishments and believing in the power of 'high expectations.' I don't any more.

Now that I've seen the ravages of an obsessive drive for success in so many people I can honestly say that I have not yet met the person who had this drive and wasn't paying dearly in anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I admire people who achieve great things: but now I admire those who balance their lives regardless of achievement more. I think it is possible to have a great work ethic and be a hard and successful worker without being the 'best' or having that as the goal. I am happy for those who feel good about their lives far more than those who achieve outward success.

There's a special mental trap for families with kids who show early promise and accomplishment and then get an eating disorder. Most parents, naturally, want to get back to "normal" and for them that means As and 'bests' and 'honors' - we lose our vocabulary for happy and calm and average. Even 'above average' sounds unfamiliar. But too often that drive for achievement is a drive for perfection that can never be reached and never feel satisfying. For many it is an insatiable hunger of another sort, and can't be maintained without its evil partner: the brain effects of malnourishment.

I would not go so far as to say that recovering from an eating disorder means recovering from perfect grades, but I have a strong suspicion that it is the rare family who feels unalloyed pleasure at a student "beating anorexia to become an A* student." I also wonder how many families feel swept along in the wake of such narratives and pressured to accept the price of an incomplete recovery because society is unable to see this obsessive drive as a possible sign of distress.

All I know is that I read something like that story with sympathy for the parents, not relief. Another reason to hate ED: he makes me suspicious and jaded.

Comments

  1. My reaction to this story was the same. If you have a child who nearly died from an eating disorder, your idea of what's important in life changes. You care less about your kid's grades in school and more about how they could use a good education to make the world a little better place and add to the enrichment of their own lives. So, while I don't think parental pressure to get good grades causes or contributes to the development of anorexia, I think the experience of going through the illness changes one's perspective as a parent, just as experiencing a child with another serious illness would.

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  2. It's funny how living through the hell of a child with ed can be such a paradigm changer. Before ED we were so proud when our d got As (and managed to get straight As while ill). Now in recovery we have a running joke about how our d is "going for the B" in school.

    The girl in the article is obviously still in the grips of her AN and as much admits to it in the last paragraph when she says, "it's still hard to stay on top of the anorexia..." Hard indeed.

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  3. Isn't it interesting just how many "over achievers" are in the field of ED :) I'm glad they are --because we have some amazing minds working to help eliminate these disorders!! ~ I once heard Dr. Walter Kaye say, "There are a lot of good things that come from being a Type A personality---for example, doctors who research the brain." :) That was the moment in which I forgave myself for being Type A when it comes to my study habits and research habits.

    During my final recovery process, I chose to practice learning to become "Average" --and that was a wonderful pursuit for me (one of my favorite chaps in my book called, "Folding My Towels in Half" --it discusses learning to become "average"). But the more I recovered the more I found that, it's also a wonderful pursuit for me to honor my unique traits that just happen to include "straight A" student when I'm in the classroom; for me A's tend to come with ease and enjoyment. BUT-- I also learned that it was equally important to not let those traits and achievements define who I am as a person, nor to be a trait of mine if it required stepping back into my 'obsessive' brain that came out when I was Eating Disordered.
    If you are someone who is recovering or recovered from ED --Balance is very Key as you choose how to rebuild/live your life as a healthy life. And if you're a Type A, B, C, D, Z, etc. person, it's also important to honor your 'tendencies' ---but in new and healthy ways. Substituting "over-achieving" for one's ED is never a good idea. However...being happy in your life pursuits, while honoring your talents and gifts, including brain-gifts and gifts of "giving to others", and learning how to be successful without needing to be "over-successful", those are valuable gifts you can give yourself.

    Overall --just because you need to recover from an Eating Disorder in order to be live and be healthy, that does not mean you have to recover from everything that makes you, You, including being Type A. Take ADEQUATE TIME during your recovery process to first fully re-nourish your brain and then adequate time to truly investigate if something is truly "true to your being", and not a well-disguised manifestation of your eating disorder, BEFORE you decide it is something you want to bring into Your Life after recovering.

    Here's to Dr. Kaye for lightening my worry-load when I was learning how to fully recover :) ~ Kathleen

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  4. "Isn't it interesting just how many "over achievers" are in the field of ED :) I'm glad they are --because we have some amazing minds working to help eliminate these disorders! I once heard Dr. Walter Kaye say, "There are a lot of good things that come from being a Type A personality---for example, doctors who research the brain." :) That was the moment in which I forgave myself for being Type A when it comes to my study habits and research habits.
    For a long time in my recovery, I practice learning to become "Average" --and that was a wonderful pursuit for me. But the more I recovered the more I found that, it's also a wonderful pursuit for me to honor my unique traits that just happen to include "straight A" student; it comes with ease and enjoyment. BUT-- it was equally important to not let those traits and achievements define who I am as a person, or be a trait of mine if it required stepping back into my 'obsessive' brain that came out when I was Eating Disordered.
    If you are someone who is recovering or recovered from ED, Balance is very Key as you choose how to rebuild/live your life as a healthy life. And if you're a Type A, B, C, D, Z, etc. person, it's also important to honor your 'tendencies', but in new and healthy ways. Substituting "over-achieving" for one's ED is never a good idea. However, being happy in your life pursuits, while honoring your talents and gifts, including brain-gifts and gifts of "giving to others", and learning how to be successful without needing to be "over-successful", those are valuable gifts you can give yourself.
    ...

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  5. ...cont.
    Overall, just b/c you need to recover from an Eating Disorder in order to be live and be healthy, that does not mean you have to recover from everything that makes you, You, including being Type A. Take ADEQUATE TIME during your recovery process to first fully re-nourish your brain, and THEN take time to truly investigate if something is truly "true to your being", and not a well-disguised manifestation of your eating disorder, before you decide it is something you want to bring into Your Life after recovering.
    Here's to Dr. Kaye for lightening my worry-load when I was learning to recover!

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  6. At the height of my disorder, I held a full-time professional job and a part-time in the evenings. I was very driven.

    During recovery, I quit working and went back to college to work on my Masters. At the time, I couldn't follow my meal plan or concentrate long enough to read your posts.

    I remember being so tired that I didn't have the energy to shower or talk to my friends.

    The whole year was spent struggling to eat and then somehow making myself presentable so that I could sit still long enough in class.

    I honestly don't know how I got A's and one B or managed to finish all the projects.

    I wish I would have taken the time to focus on recovery. I wish I would have made it a priority.

    I am weight restored now but I am still now well. I still get tired easily but I am finally able to concentrate long enough to read your posts!

    I start my second year of Masters Program tomorrow. I'm signed up for a full-time course load.

    I was thinking about also finding a full or part-time job and I was worried about maintaining an A average.

    Last year, (in recovery) I felt like I was living my life in slow motion. I couldn't get my mind and body to get better quickly and I am still surprised how long recovery takes.

    I think I ready to accept that full recovery does not mean going back to the fast past or driven life.

    B.

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  7. Kathleen and B.,

    I can only imagine how challenging and brave it is for you to try to face and parse out what is helpful and what is harmful in these traits - and try to balance them. I can only say that for us, as parents, it takes a while to figure it out from the outside and to know how to respond. We get a lot of mixed messages ourselves about our role: how to be encouraging without pushing too hard, how to stop encouraging without being negative. We learn along with you!

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  8. OTOH, I found that I paradoxically did much better in college once I stopped obsessing over my GPA and trying to put together the perfect med school application. The anxiety and stress were interfering with my ability to perform at the level I was capable of. Once I relaxed, I was able to get the A's I had so desperately wanted the first 2 years of college.

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  9. Crimson, You make an important observation there. We often assume that obsessive focus and perfectionism actually lead to success and achievement but that really isn't true: sometimes it holds it back or just has us spinning in one place!

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  10. I find it sad that stories such as these, told from the perspective they hold, do so much harm by distorting what it is to have and to recover from anorexia.

    My daughter, always an, apparently effortless, A* student, when asked, expressed her feeling of achievement at gaining top grades as 'relief'; nothing more. I'm not sure what she felt would happen, how she felt others would feel about her if she were ever to fall from this precarious perch. With her recovery she feels OK about achievements and equally OK if they don't happen. She can strive for what she truly cares to strive for but now appears to have lost her fear of falling or of failure.

    Recovery, when established, shouldn't involve 'difficulty' in staying on top of either the anorexia or the grades.

    What a shame the media seems only able to present us with simplistic, neatly packaged stories that bear no relation to a more complex and imperfect reality.

    EB

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